How to help and support your child in creating authentic friendships.

When children are younger, they generally play in groups. Around Year 4, they start to split off into best friend duos. Kids, most often girls, seem to have this idea that they will have one best friend forever, who will always agree with them, always share the same interests, never fight and always be happy.

Unfortunately, we know that that is not the case. Parents then often ask: “How can I help my child?”

It is important to note that this way of thinking is very simplistic and idealistic, as children are. The risk is a child who tries to please everyone to be well-liked and, in doing so, loses themselves.

All friendships are different, everyone makes mistakes, changes hobbies or meets other people, yet children, again mostly girls, seem to interpret this as a catastrophe. This catastrophic thinking can cause problems if their friend is at the same school or activity.

Parents need to guide, teach and empower their children with the knowledge and tools to change their thinking and create authentic friendships.

Be approachable, open, and available: a safe space your children can go. They should feel free to confide in you; so that you can help them. Listen, support their thinking and help them solve their challenges themselves. Ensuring that your home is a place that encourages communication and that your children enjoy spending time with you will create opportunities for them to turn to you when things go wrong with a friend.

It is helpful to go over exactly what happened and what was said, then coach your child on good ways to resolve the conflict. Give them strategies to solve the problem. Everybody makes mistakes. Your child will make mistakes, and so will their friends.

Parents need to teach their children resilience and a growth mindset. Replacing “I can’t!” with “I can’t yet, but I am practising and getting better, and I will achieve it when I am ready!”

Encourage your children to pursue other hobbies or friendships whilst working out their conflicts. Explain that we all change and grow and that sometimes friends need space or a break to process their growth or emotions.

Normalise feelings. Children often have this idea that there are only good and bad emotions. They believe that they should not feel angry, sad, hurt or depressed. Explaining that it is normal to sometimes feel hurt or sad in friendships normalises authentic relationships.

Talk about your day (in an age-appropriate manner) by explaining how you have been feeling. Try to give an example that would be appropriate to share that illustrates that what they are feeling is valid and normal. For example, “I went to cut my hair and saw my two best friends having coffee. I felt sad because they had not invited me.” Explain how you dealt with and resolved those feelings.

That will model real-life friendships.

Children need help learning that connections are vital, but they are all unique individuals. Parents need to guide their children to be themselves and not feel like they must change who they are to be friends with someone. By doing this, they lose their self-identity. Your child should be free to be themselves.

Parents must teach their children to work through their conflicts, not to run away from them. It is about giving them the tools and strategies to learn from and grow.